Thursday, June 7, 2012

7 things I learned from BOHSIA: JANGAN PILIH JALAN HITAM (2009)

To commemorate the release of Bohsia 2 (2012) in Malaysian cinemas, let us look back at the 2009 original and recount precisely what we've learned from the RM 4.14mil-grossin motorcycle mayhem.
1. Nasir Bilal Khan still kicks arse in sweaty, sex-starved roles 20 years on after the classic syahwat special Perempuan Isteri Dan Jalang (1993). In Jangan Pilih Jalan Hitam, he's drunk most of the time and can barely stand upright but maintains an erection with no problem at all as he overpowers and rapes his minah rempit daughter whenever he pleases. He's a lovin father though - he likes it face-to-face.

Daddy loves you.
2. If you subtitle your socially decadent film with an apologetic suffix e.g. Bohsia: Jangan Pilih Jalan Hitam, you can successfully pass it off as morally responsible entertainment to the overeager censors and escape their wrath.

In fact, that's why the 2012 sequel is strategically called Jalan Kembali: Bohsia 2 instead of just Bohsia 2. Instead of capitalisin on the drawin power of the already successful original title, the focus is shifted to pacify the authorities that have recently developed a major hard-on and issued new no-go guidelines against the depiction of deviant superstition and urban ills in Malaysian film.

I guess we've all seen this before, when the sequel for Farid Kamil's Remp-It (2006) was chopped up 40 ways from Friday and retitled V3: Samseng Jalanan (2010), an all-too-obvious reference to the all-powerful rempit brand it cannot mention. So the lesson here is that every time your film is faced with the possible threat of non-release, just subtitle it with somethin with a hint of redemption e.g. KL Gangster III: Sumpah Tak Nak Jadi Gangster Lagi or KL Drift VI: Dari Bengkel Ke Universiti or Jiwa Taiko II: Basuh Tangan Join RELA.
3. Authentic street logic and racin dynamics were taken into consideration in the production of this movie. For example, you cannot win races with a fat bird in tow. Indeed this was alluded to in the film ("Aku kalah tadi sebab jamban kau besar. Mana tak semput motor aku?"), when Shaheizy Sam's character complains he lost because of Salina Saibi's more-than-healthy rear weight distribution.

Don't get me wrong, though. She's still hot as Satan's hoof. I've heard that the present edition playin in cinemas involve a curious toilet brush penetration scene. I hope it involves her.

4. Despite the Hotwheels tattoos around his neck in KL Gangster (2010), wannabe badboy Syamsul Yusof takes his actin cue directly from Hollywood darlin Shia LeBoeuf. He'll always look like he just walked off the set on the Disney Channel and as reviewer Safina Othman notes, he's simply too much of a fair-skinned prettyboy to be believable as a rempit.

5. You can organise full-scale, concert-like rempit shoots at Dataran Merdeka with the deep pockets and huge influence of Yusof Haslam. The police? They're busy with cameos themselves. It's not a bad deal, really. They get to tell their children they were actively involved in the fight against the evil bohsia subculture that plagues the nation.

For the record, I support Yusof Haslam. Hell, I dragged all my middle class Chinese friends to the cinema and paid cash money to watch KL Gangster (2010). Twice. Just to make sure he will have enough money to make KL Gangster 2 (2012).

6. Nabila Huda makes a really scary minah rempit. The KL native is suitably skinny and annoyingly foul-mouthed here, a new industry standard in the race scene, surely. It is a national travesty that she was beaten to the Best Actress award at the 22nd Festival Filem Malaysia by Liyana Jasmay in Papadom (2009). I mean, who watches that family shyte anyway, when we've got this much glorious exhaust fumes to absorb from the wheelies and stoppies throughout the show?
7. I like Aaron Aziz. He plays a nouveau riche pimp just as well as a chain-smokin ex-con, though I dread to check if blogger Budiey's Tweet about him bein seriously jambu in Datin Ghairah (2011) is true. Anyway, he's a scandal-shy family man and I like that. Also, this Singaporean actor teaches us that in Malaysia, to impress the BN government you need to star in a major movie as a gangster. Only then will they give you a PR!
Boy, I sure do miss attendin Malay movie premieres. That's no joke.

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